Don’t throw paper darts (despite the illustrated instructions in the programme on how to make one) and don’t arrive late for Ruby Tuesday or you’ll be threatened with  detention by the fierce phys-ed teacher who doesn’t accept period pains and non-regulation shoes as excuses to avoid her classes.

Yes, we’re back in school with a female version of Seven Periods with Mr. Gormsby but without Danny Mulheron’s satirical bite. Or so it seems at the start of this fifty-minute cartoon comedy that slides not entirely convincingly into something more reflective and serious in the final scenes.

The two central characters are a lonely drama teacher from China who has adopted the name Cynthia Ruby, and Shelby, a pupil who is also a loner and is always in trouble with the school authorities, particularly with the Principal, Ms. Hunt, who doesn’t accept Ruby’s excuse of a brain tumour as a reason for missing classes.

While racism is alive and well in the staffroom, teenage confusion and rebellion reign in the playground and classrooms. Eventually Shelby is threatened with expulsion unless she gains a pass mark in a drama class with Ruby, which of course she is reluctant to do. Her reluctance leads to tragedy, though the drama class is a parody of clichéd improvised exercises and they are appallingly performed by both teacher and student.

Isla Adamson and Josephine Stewart-Tewhiu play all eight roles in a style that reminded me of the Topp Twins: a no-nonsense attitude to life and people and in their comedy there is warmth, compassion and affection.

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We’re back to school from the moment we walk into the auditorium. Nigel Dungaree (Josephine Stewart-Tewhiu) the science teacher and CD (Isla Adamson) the phys-ed teacher are on duty and handing out detention slips to miscreants.

They’re thick, these two, as in close. Mates. On auto-pilot they bark or mutter all the old school Kiwi teacher clichés … It’s enough to make you want to throw a stink bomb. Yeh. Stink, eh.

But the show starts proper with the drama teacher from China, in her flowing red silk gown, who has anglicised her name to Cynthia Ruby (Stewart-Tewhiu). She is very passionate about drama, has been in this country four years and is very lonely.

Perhaps Ruby tries just a bit too hard to flatter and befriend the Irish relieving teacher Moira McCartney (Adamson), who loves to sing. But does Moira have the nerve to be friends with someone that everyone else hates through an ignorance born of fear of difference?

The kid least likely to succeed is Shelby Leperton (Adamson), always in trouble, chronically incapable of allowing the friendship and acceptance she so desperately craves to happen. We get minimal glimpses of her dysfunctional home life and consequent vulnerability. Mostly were are witness – and vicariously subjected – to her compulsive abusive behaviour. And we laugh.  

Her only mate, when she’s not putting her down too, is Awa, who has a few more survival skills to keep out of serious trouble. Then there is the recently arrived English girl Angelica, who is into Harry Potter and wonders what death must be like. But the person who counts most when it comes to whether Shelby gets to stay at school is the Principal, Ms Hunt. (Stewart-Tewhiu covers all these roles.)

This very real scenario, created with great authenticity, produces as hilarious and poignant a show as you could hope to encounter in fifty minutes from two actors.

It all comes down to a Tuesday detention where Shelby must achieve a pass mark in a one-on-one drama class with Miss Ruby: an achingly funny and tragic scene.

Full of surprises yet awfully familiar, Ruby Tuesday wins sympathy and empathy in the most unexpected places because these astute creators and clever performers know how important it is to love the characters they send up.  

It’s on until 13 March so there’s no excuse for anyone in Wellington to miss it. Put yourself on the roll, don’t be late, behave – and be ready to practise your dart-folding skills.
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Even as we are filing in and taking our seats, the theatre becomes a classroom. The two actors, wearing the demeanour of stern teachers and grasping clipboards, address their seated ‘students’ and dole out reprimands and detentions to us for wearing our skirts too short or carving initials into desks.

Then to kick off, we are privy to a succinct soliloquy of introduction from each character – which is helpful, clarifying from the start who’s who so that we’re ready to be launched straight into the lean, well-crafted scenes that make up the story. The costumes are minimalist, with a pair of glasses or a headband to denote the character changes. Both actors have an excellent grasp of various accents, which also helps to distinguish who’s who.

This bittersweet comedy set in a high school comprises eight idiosyncratic characters – five teachers and three students. Devised and performed by two 2008 Unitec graduates, the story, though short (around 50 minutes), has broad appeal and plumbs the depths of its characters, ultimately transcending the wickedly funny stereotypes.

Josephine Stewart-Tewhiu switches between five different characters with ease: Ms Hunt, the severe and self-righteous school principal; Cynthia Ruby, a melancholic but sweet Asian drama teacher; Nigel Dungaree, the sincere, geeky science teacher; Angelica, the new English girl who’s obsessed with Harry Potter; and Awa, a boy who has no qualms about bending the truth or ‘borrowing’ school property, but is stoically loyal to his best friend, Shelby. Stewart-Tewhiu is a suave and energetic new talent I’ll be watching out for in the future.

Isla Adamson plays Shelby Leperton, a slacker student with attitude perpetually on the verge of getting expelled, as well as Moira McCartney, a Scottish relief teacher who fancies herself to be a gifted singer, and Clarissa Duncan, a gruff P.E. teacher.

Adamson gives an honest and pitch-perfect performance as Shelby who, though a fiery young lass, feels powerless and insignificant. She’s despondent about school, hates her teachers and is afraid to go home. Shelby has to come to terms the hard way with the fact that she has more of an effect on those around her than she’d realised.

Though ‘not claiming to be perfect, finished or final’, Ruby Tuesday does hit the spot, with a touching story and memorable characters. A little gem I recommend if you’re thinking of sampling what the Fringe Festival has on offer.

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